My Dad! <'3

You know, as I am sitting here listening to ' Tim McGraw- My little girl ' I just kinna got one of those heart dropping discomforts. And now here I am listening to sad songs thinking. I have always been the type of girl/young woman to wear her heart on her sleeve and did anything to get a mans attention. Now I'm starting to wonder if I did what I done to get a mans attention because of my father never gave me his. Me and my dad have never been close, in fact were always at each others throats. Ever since I hit the 'Teens'. & I know a lot of people lost their dads or they walked out on them and I should be lucky I have a dad and what not, buhh even though he was there to watch me grow up, it feels like he wasn't their at all. I have always done things to try to impress him. I would stay up late on school nights trying to finish a project. I loved the moments we did have fun together, buhh sometimes it feels like juss when were startin to have fun a switch in him turns on nd he's right back to his old bitchin self. I have put up with his crap for 7 years. I hit middle school nd that's juss when it all hit bottom. He kept scolding me, nd always said very negative things to me, about me. I had such huge dreams for myself nd I was such a sweet innocent girl and he crushed it all. He never had faith in me. He would always say something like ' you will ever survive this world alone ' , ' only thing you would be good at is a sex slave in mexico .' It really does hurt, you carry that kind of stuff with you forever. My heart has a missing piece nd its from him. Thinkin bout him makes me wanna cry, Writing this makes me want to cry. It's prolly not even making sense, I'm juss typing away nd letting my feelings spring. It's about time I stop holding this in. I really miss my father, I wish we could have that fun, exciting everlasting father & daughter bond, buhh as long as he walks this planet that'll never happen. There were times when I would tell my mom 'it's either him or me' nd she still did nothing. I was a little child when I watched him break my moms fingers, nd shove her against walls, nd get on top of her threatening to hit her. I don't know why my moms still stays with him. He calls her worthless, fat, a bitch. Always thinks shes out cheating. Threatened to leave her if they didn't get married so what did they go do? Got married. :/ now he threatens to divorce her if she doesn't do things. I would cry myself to sleep night after night preying my mom would juss wake up one day nd tell him to get out nd move on. My mom is a great woman nd could find anyone she wanted too.& as much as I hate to admit it, we would all be happier with out him.  I don't mean to talk bad bout my dad on here, this is not the purpose of this post. The purpose is to say that I miss my dad and wish we were closer. I juss look at him nd don't see the same father I saw when I was 5 years old, when he would pick me up from the bus after elementary school. To this day we barely talk nd when we do talk I don't even know what to say, or he is juss bitchin. I think about my dad all the time. He never appreciates anything I ever done. I would clean the whole house nd he would always find something wrong nd juss bitch sayin ' if your gonna do it, do it right, or don't do it at all. ' I have done so many things to get his attention nd make him notice how good I am doing. I am his first daughter to graduate high school nd go back into college for nursing nd it seemed like he was happy for the day then juss right back to his normal old bitchen self. I wish he would juss let me know that he is proud of me. He has no idea how much that would mean to me nd make my day.. A little kindness goes a long way, so does a little appreciation. I know I haven't been the best myself, buhh what can I say. I have always had a father who looked down on me. never liked anything said or done unless it was his way.. I also like to joke around and be sarcastic nd have funn nd he doesn't like that. He would always call me a smart ass, nd blah blah. I just don't even know what to write anymore, juss besides I have a few tear drops runnin down my cheek. I defiantly miss the dad I once knew, wish he would come back! I love you, Dad! <'3